I had an argument with an estate agent whilst trying to expand my property porrtfolio. The fool wouldn't accept my £40 notes. I pointed out that I had purchased all my living room furniture - including a fabulous leather corner sofa - using this very currency. We are still in negotiations; and I really need somewhere to put all that furniture!

...doing what I can to reduce their gas bill at home though. Don't know why they need to take showers all the time anyway.

Work's not going too well this week since we could not control the sporting prowess of our national rugby team...

='why are you £4,000 down this week?'

='um, because England didn't win the rugby like what they did last year?'

='you're fired!'

etc

...the best way to get around the depths of south london is by train, and even I was eventually persuaded by the rail official (in our genial conversation about ticket prices) that we really do get a fantastic deal on our travel...

Just when I thought the whole Martin Amis obsession had died down, I find yet another article dredging up his old liaisons amoureux. It would have been nice to have been consulted.

This week I've been turning my attention to civic duties...

The council were planning to abandon the local swimming pools and leave them open to contamination by humans and their offspring; I cleverly infiltrated the offices and altered the results of their poll... now we shall have a fully restored bathing facility for mice! I am a local hero and have been invited to join the online forum of the area, to spread my constructive criticism of local business and events.

After seeing the installation at St Paul's, we were pleased to find yet more art; this time at our local train station where the planned bridge over the tracks had been discarded in favour of something far less, ahem, pedestrian-- a Gormley sculpture, which for a small fee we can stand on the platform and look at, between 7 and 9 a.m.

This just might solve my problems...

The least said about this failure the better. There will be another way...

I got some ideas from the TV. There's so much more I want to do!

They left me for a couple of weeks... something about a holiday...

Have I mentioned that I can't get served in pubs....

It's a different matter entirely when others get themselves drunk and take the train home. I really think something ought to be done about it. So antisocial.

I do love taking the train. Really. Every day.

Sometimes I get drunk on the train to alleviate the boredom... I like to talk to people about things that are on my mind.

This is when I tried to fly to New York to stay with some relatives in Chinatown. Apparently I needed my own passport, and to be around five feet in height. Ridiculous.

I have tried to travel by car but as I can't actually reach the pedals I have to put up with some awful drivers.

Commuting stresses me out when there are crowds. I have had some problems with the attitudes of the transport staff; it's as though they can't see me... surely that's it...

Sometimes I go out...

This is a prime example of teamwork and is something which I feel will enable me to rise above the ranks of the ordinary. Very exciting indeed! It's all my own design, you understand.

As I am so popular, my quality of life has improved tremendously. People are always ready to help.

... however, I have never been more popular with my own kind. They revel in the luxuries I can offer!

I keep getting the feeling I'm not welcome in my own home...

...although to be honest, since I watched 'Rumblefish' I keep seeing the plants in a different light (they are all GREEN) and it's freaking me out!

I even look after the plants for them. This midget tree is especially pointless as far as I can see but at least it keeps some daylight out of my kitchen.

They really need some encouragement to keep the place clean. I like to think I help where I can... as it looks like they're here to stay...

This ought to clear things up. I'm not that easy to shift!

I have to take it easy in front of the TV for a while.

...you see! This is EXACTLY what I was trying to avoid. I still don't know how he even got into the kitchen.

...I thought my coronation was a success although someone pointed out that 4 a.m. was not the perfect time to stage it... I particularly like the silk-covered cushions in the living room. They look even better since I sat on them...

Some people can't take a hint. I was being ironic-- there was really no need for those glue traps.

As I was forced to take the offensive, I made plans to consolidate my rightful position in the house...

...I first met my unwanted lodgers in March 2009; they seemed to be spending a lot of time just hanging around chatting in the kitchen. I had to make my presence felt.