I'm not very good at presents.  I thought a bow would do the job but everything's coming out...

I've been told that vodka is less abrasive than... well, bleach. I suppose. And therefore the perfect thing for getting mud off your bicycle. I would think it's also cheaper than soapy water and you can enjoy a WD40 and vodka sharpener while you work. Perfectly logical. And if you can use grappa for cleaning floors then why not also use it on your bike chain.....

 Hello, can I help?
'I want a bottle of wine.'  OK. Any idea what sort of wine? Red or white...? 'Just a bottle. I don't know.' Right... A fiver? More? 'Less.' Less than a fiver? 'Maybe. A good one'. Well to be honest we're going to struggle to find you something matching that description... Are you having food with this wine? 'No.' OK...so I'm guessing a light red, possibly with a screwcap? 'Yes- can I drink on the street here?' Erm, now? It's only eleven a.m... yes? Well you can try. The Community Support Officer might take it from you though.

The old guy in the corner got up and turned into a fantastic singer. Suddenly everyone wanted to talk to him. He just wanted to sit back down outside and have a fag.

So now one has approximately not much time to find a replacement for one's flatmate. If South London were even less amazing and exclusive maybe I could actually just live on my own...