I'm not very good at presents.  I thought a bow would do the job but everything's coming out...

I've been told that vodka is less abrasive than... well, bleach. I suppose. And therefore the perfect thing for getting mud off your bicycle. I would think it's also cheaper than soapy water and you can enjoy a WD40 and vodka sharpener while you work. Perfectly logical. And if you can use grappa for cleaning floors then why not also use it on your bike chain.....

 Hello, can I help?
'I want a bottle of wine.'  OK. Any idea what sort of wine? Red or white...? 'Just a bottle. I don't know.' Right... A fiver? More? 'Less.' Less than a fiver? 'Maybe. A good one'. Well to be honest we're going to struggle to find you something matching that description... Are you having food with this wine? 'No.' OK...so I'm guessing a light red, possibly with a screwcap? 'Yes- can I drink on the street here?' Erm, now? It's only eleven a.m... yes? Well you can try. The Community Support Officer might take it from you though.

The old guy in the corner got up and turned into a fantastic singer. Suddenly everyone wanted to talk to him. He just wanted to sit back down outside and have a fag.

So now one has approximately not much time to find a replacement for one's flatmate. If South London were even less amazing and exclusive maybe I could actually just live on my own...

Digital radio is good for me since it stops me from listening to The Archers. Or the Money Programme.

Also, when there is an elephant living upstairs, it is useful to set 'sleep mode' on the radio and try to relax.

I had never realised that Spiderman was a literary work of such complexity and I had to stop several times whilst reading it to a child. 'What does 'cancelled' mean? Where are they now? Are they in a tunnel? Are they underwater? Why doesn't his web work? Who's the bad one? No, he doesn't look bad. Why are they wet? What does 'torrential' mean? Can you just read it properly now because it's getting a bit annoying. I think I'm going to dream about poo poo. A lady came to clean our house today. Do you know her? She's called Elsa; she's old like you. Do you know her? Can you read me another one now? No, it's not late, I'm not tired.....' etc.

Modelling for someone in a room in E9...

It's all totally under control. It is.

...could be worse...

Just as I was handing over some more money to the internet company for the installation of my new broadband, they sent me a letter telling me that I was a special person and that if I joined them, I could get installation for free...

The seeds of change are blowing in the damp winds of South London. The hour is mine! I have thought of a use for that cupboardful of seeds at last.

The East London Line is SUCH a brilliant idea. Now we can colonise other areas at night, and develop new hairstyles and electronic sounds. I can't wait.

The estate agents can be a little annoying, but at least I don't have to wear a tie.